(Aug. 5/17) “I Can’t Communicate Write Now: I’m Too Busy Blowing You Off.”

Hello, Wonderfuls…I hope you know that title could never be directed at you!

Here’s Context:

Not for the first—second…I’ve lost track of—time(s),

I’ve been dismissed and taken for granted by someone I love.

What follows is my abbreviated version of the beginning of the end…

Can’t txt now, am with sum1 Q-ler

Given that I challenged this pattern, the sender followed up with a series of retaliatory texts (and one surly phone call).

Admittedly, caught in the grip of emotion, I gave as good as I got—

pointing out that (“X”) certainly was finding (con)text time to disregard my feelings…

Luckily, before I spiralled into an unhelpful—“I’m so ticked off, I’m going to stew all night—mind-set (on stubborn)”,

I remembered the following quote…

“Don’t waste your time trying to explain yourself to people that are committed to misunderstanding you.” (unknown author)

This reminder distracted me long enough to reflect on a parallel pointlessness…

That of me calling and calling to my little dog when she ignores my commands to stay on our side of the property…

(Jubilee’s pee turns the grass yellow, and, a good neighbor, I want to ensure the grass is always greener on the other side.)

Consideration notwithstanding, I can also be somewhat lazy…

Standing on the side landing as she (winding and pacing back and forth) ignores my increasingly shrill directives, I’m a mad woman having a one-sided (repetitive) conversation that ends with, “What did I just say?!”

(*Spoiler alert…she’s never answered.*)

Then, I repeat, “Jubilee, over here!”, until (sniffing, without interruption or even a glance my way), she finally complies and pees in the sanctioned area.

(*There’s the rare time when I march down the stairs, ready to pick her up and turn her around…but, she does so of her own volition…proof that she’s fully aware of the boundaries…and my words.*)

At present, comfortably parked on my couch, it’s easy to ignore the bafflement of why she’d ignore a whole side patch, side yard, and back yard to pee on the little strip of land that separates my driveway from my neighbor’s…

and to accept that my best bet is to cut to the chase and physically re-direct her if she fails to listen the first time.

So, too, when “X” banks on me wasting my breath.

Having fought this battle many times before,

then, tiring of the struggle—

and letting things go weakly-resolved (though, not for long)—

I’ve vowed to take the long view and stick to my guns-puns this time.

For, given what’s at stake (through my heart), I’m taking the empowering position that emotional vampires can’t cross my threshold (of tolerance) unless invited to.

So, having been/talked in circles last night,

here’s where you find me, Amazers…

Rather than stirring up stomach-churning left-overs

this is my sugar-coded offering…

Easier to (Reader’s) Digest—by virtue of keeping it (eye-rolling-ly) unreal and cheesy—

it’s a helping of Kraft(y) Maca-baloney and “Please!”…

a “letter (go and let God)”, if you will.

Dear Brick (Wall) Street,

Having recognized my worth, it’s time to renegotiate our social contract.

We’re in need of an open exchange, and I can’t un-ring the bell

I can’t keep giving and believing, while you’re taking and deceiving….

For, trading (true)-blue (friend) chips for broke…er…broken-promises is a losing bid…

and, though I tend to be loyal to a fault…I’m no saint (Bernard).

I no longer see any value in trying to rescue you.

Furthermore, having had my last drink a lifetime ago,

it makes no sense to carry a keg around my neck

(like an albotoss (my future away))

all in hopes of intercepting/harnessing your self-destructive patterns so we don’t fall down the slippery soap slope you’re so fond of navigating.

And, I certainly know we’re both starring in this day (and night) time drama…

Set in Boulder, Colorado, you are Sisyphus Pendergrass, the embodiment of repetitive crazy who insists on an uphill (until-everything-snowballs-down-the-other-side-of-the-mountain) approach to life.

But, I am the other (non)romantic lead…

Hope (–on a rope), I’ve long grabbed for the brass (friendship) ring that dangles just out of reach…

It represents my stubborn insistence that, if patient and compassionate enough,

you’d come to your senses and use our collective powers (to make a change in the world) for good.

However, tired of (Hope springs infernal) disillusionment, I can’t keep pretending that our friendship has been misdiagnosed as terminally ill…

or, having died, keeps coming back as a look alike…or, a-nothing-alike (but equally as attractive)…

or, was forced to behave differently by kidnappers…

or, was temporarily overtaken by an evil twin…

or, any number of outlandish plot twists.

Last night’s bout hit me hard enough to accept that seeing your potential–as a prize winning fighter–can’t come at the expense of being your (metaphorical) punching bag.

The fancy footwork that’s been tripping me up has been my resistance to the notion that you’re a horrible person…

You aren’t!

You are lovable, and wonderful in many ways.

That’s been the right (and wrong) hook that got me every time…

My heart’s never been able to hold space for the anger and bitterness I thought could cement my resolve to finally let go—to end my habit of letting you close enough to keep disrespecting me.

But, now that I’ve come to see the flaw in my thinking, I get that keeping you close will continue to impede your growth as well as mine.

I’ve found the determination to invest in myself…

to be my own best friend…

I love you—but, will do so from a distance—for, having taken my life-lessons to heart, I am no longer afraid of scaling the heights without you…

And I pray that you find your way in future…for, you deserve it…and the world needs you…

Well, that’s it for today, Dazzlers.  I needed to get this off my chest, and this is probably the most nervous I’ve been about publishing a post…

It’s still uncomfortable for me to think this way, but I’m satisfied that I kept this vague enough that I am not “outing” someone I will always have a place in my heart for.

Thank you for listening, friends…it’s been really helpful…and, has distracted me from the niggling pain (and grouchy mood) that I’m keeping at bay (these, too, shall pass 🙂 ).

God bless you and your loves.

Affectionately, Truly

P.S. The Abbreviated beginning of the end has a double meaning–the text itself, “Can’t text now–I’m with someone cooler” (the essence of the communication), and, an abbreviated context for compounded hurts spanning many, many years; Brick (Wall) Street…Brick is the name a of character on the sitcom, “The Middle” (it’s a great show and highlights the ups and downs of family life and the love that endures despite it all);  I think the Wall Street puns might be obvious–the exception being blue chips  (lingo that somehow found its way into (and out of) my subconsciousness; St. Bernards are gorgeous dogs…I remember, as a child, being fascinated by the image of them with barrels of rum around their necks–the alcohol warmed the stranded/lost Swiss Alps mountain climbers the dogs rescued.  It’s not lost on me that, right around the time I had my first drink, I saw the movie, “Cujo” (based on Stephen King’s book about a lovable St. Bernard who turned killer after being bitten by a rabid (metaphorically-speaking, vampire) bat; having an alba-toss (my future away) is a play on the expression, “having an albatross around ones neck “–it refers to a pain in the neck burden; repetitive crazy is my abbreviation of the saying, “the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”; Sisyphus is found in Greek mythology….deceitful and arrogant, he was doomed (for all eternity) to roll a boulder up a mountain, only to have it roll back down.

 

 

 

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39 thoughts on “(Aug. 5/17) “I Can’t Communicate Write Now: I’m Too Busy Blowing You Off.”

  1. I am sorry you have been made to feel this way… love your honest words. Someone once told me if you don’t “talk” it out… you act it out. I hope you felt some relief getting this “Out”… and I believe considering the “emotion”… you wrote this with dignity and measured words… You remain kind even when you are upset… wow… I am so impressed.

    I have always been very immature when I have been made to feel less than valued. As an example… many years ago I sent a card to someone who seemed to treat me the way you have described “X” treating you. On the front it said “Words can’t describe how I feel about you now”… and when you opened it… there was a cartoon of a dog peeing on a lady’s leg. I added… “I thought I loved you but I guess it was just the flu”… (that was the end of a dear friendship)

    Not sure why I am sharing that.. other than you can forget about your anxiety with respect to what you shared (much better than how I would have handled it)… and also so you know that Hallmark really does have a card for every occasion. (you know….”when you care enough to send the very best”… “care” about yourself in this instance.)

    Keep your head up and your heart open…
    Best wishes from a weird friend

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You are a really good friend…and, I have a theory as to why you shared the story of the card with me…it’s because you are willing to admit to something you are not proud of in the interest of connecting, heart to heart, with someone else…and, I am so humbled that I’ve inspired that urge in you. Your response is evidence of a huge capacity for empathy and being able to hold space for someone who is working through something uncomfortable. Every word you wrote was just the thing to increase my peace of mind…you also made me smile at the thought of the card (things can be funny after the fact). I get that you wish you had handled things differently, but at least you messed up in unique style….when I’ve lost it in the past, I have unleashed a barrage of hurtful words that I wished would have been limited to a card. I am only able to handle myself the way I am now because, after much trial and error (tongue-lashing-out), I’ve learned my lesson. I still have more to learn, but sharing with you all has really helped me feel so much better/less alone 🙂 Thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. sorry for your loss but does sound like you are better out of it .. a broker no doubt so you probably were rescuing and once done they tend to heal and move on … had too many similar experiences … you deserve someone who adores you, woos you and treats you with integrity .. better is just around the corner but enjoy that couch for now 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I recently experienced an earthquake moment with a dear friend and am still feeling dizzy from it, your words have made me feel less alone as I sort out this new terrain, it’s time to stop moving the goalposts and I’m happy to read that you have already started! Thank you (always!) for sharing your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Moving the goal posts…I love that expression. Thank you for letting me know that my words were helpful….feeling less alone is what it’s all about…you’ve done that for me, as well. Thank you for your support, my friend 🙂 I’m on my way to “visit”.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I just came back from an afternoon walk where I bumped into two supportive friends by chance who, along with your timely post, have helped me to feel lighter…I love days like this, full of unexpected gifts!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, your writing is so heartfelt and I am sorry for your “mistreatment.” I do love how you could empower yourself with beautiful words. Perhaps the grass is greener with someone else who is nurturing. Until then, you are nurturing yourself and I love that. Thinking of you, Truly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much, Judy….this painful chapter has been/is being mitigated by the kindness of people like you….just yesterday, I was completely caught off guard by an act of kindness that still has me overwhelmed. I’m sure to write about it in my next post. Anyway, my point is, I really appreciate that you took the time to express your support, my friend 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Abby! I appreciate you letting me know how you feel…it’s very encouraging 🙂 Also, I’ve been to your AMAZING blog and commented on your mind-blowingly-impressive interview. I’m so grateful we’ve connected (I don’t know how I came to your attention, but such is the stuff of fate). Wishing you a wonderful day 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve wanted to say this a thousand times myself, but never do. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Truly. I can very much relate. I’m never the “cool” kid. Btw… you’re way cool in my book, come talk to me anytime. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

      1. All I can say is… you’ve really cheered me up today. I’ve been needing a smile and you caused it. Love ya Truly! Enjoy the rest of your holiday. 😉 xo

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Relationships, any kind, can be exhausting if the energy-stream is only a one-way-street thing. Beginning of this year I’ve read the quote ‘forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me’. Sometimes it really is better for both to just let go, love each other from a distance 😉
    And about your little dog, remember stay calm and assertive…I discovered it helps with the human stuff too, haha
    XxX

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you dear Truly. My hubby will be home late today, but then we have 2 weeks free time (holiday) together. We aren’t going anywhere, but it is nice to have someone around for the upcoming weeks to talk too during the day,..well, a human being that is… Talk to my dog all the time hahaha
        Diner time here 😉 Big hug, XxX

        Like

  7. I agree with the first comment…I don’t want to “like” your story because it is a horrible road to travel through. But sharing it (thanks for sharing it by the way) allows others to “carry” your load. Your words are painfully familiar to other stories I have heard. I can’t offer much to you but prayer because that is the only thing that has provided healing and change.

    Like

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