(April 28/18) “Anxie-tee-hee (Just kidding, this is nothing to laugh at…)”

Context: Hi, Wonderfuls,

After giving myself some distance from a really trying (but, “I’m Still Standing”) week, I wrote  most of this post a couple weeks ago-…

Additionally, the following posts found on Facebook reflect my courage to think things through.

“Sometimes you just need to talk about something—not to get sympathy or help, but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”  Karen Salmansohn.

The second post is a photo of a dandelion (the kind that looks like a silver sunburst), and the following quote–“Some see a weed, others see a wish.”

Hear We Go,  Friends:

A recent work-week was one of the longest months of my life!

Having said that, I paid heed to a painful pattern that approached a-10-shun on the—”I’d rather avoid this, but it needs my at-TEN-SION”— stress scale.

The pattern was this…

I was particularly sensitive to criticisms and unhelpful reactions when I went above and beyond to be supportive under highly-challenging circumstances.

Now, of all the leaps of faith you and I have taken together, Magnificents, 

this one requires the mental agility of the splits.

For, I’m just gonna cut to the chase(d by subconscious hypocrisies); which necessitates excluding a good deal of comprehensive context.

Decades Past:

It was the Christmas season and, young and poor, I spied a ten-dollar bill on the floor of the local department store.

Ten dollars!!!

I had time enough to calculate that, with that amount of money, I could secure my heart’s desire—a Baby-Go-Bye-Bye…

(A cutie-patootie with a battery-operated pink convertible Volkswagen Beetle.)

No swooner had that delight-inducer set my optimistic inner-voice racing like a horse than my giddy-yap combo was pulled up short

A towering store clerk asked me if the money was mine; and,

without hesitation,

I admitted I found it, and (red) handed it over.

Now, here’s the (horse) kicker…

My mother chastised me for being foolish enough to own up, and said the woman was going to keep the money for herself…

What really hurt wasn’t just the loss of the toy of a life-time—thereby relegating the festive season to a Christmas bound-T-B the best buried treasure ever—

I was confused by scalding shame and a cutting sense of betrayal…

Given that weekly-church attendance drilled into me that we are to be honest and do the right thing no matter what, I knew honesty was the best (store) policy)…

Yet, here was my mother,

hyper-committed to religiosity,

disapproving of me…yet again!!!

Fast forward to the hear-and-now (comes the tie-in):

Once (twice…a dozen times) I spent the week (weeks ago) sifting through a series of contemporary hypocrisies,

the parts (un)clouding my judgement eventually made room for a blue-sky-wide perspective.

(*I’m sparing you the (un)-glory details…bouts of ugly-crying alone, and anxiety’s dire predictions that, powerless to avoid the course of things, I was doomed to Dcompensate faster that a bunch of over-exposed (going) bananas*)

Said clarity stemmed from introspection, prayer, sharing/venting with a few trusted friends, and having a brave and important conversation with my supervisor.

(*Funny how one sentence can hold so much time and unsaid things between the lines!*)

(*A second FYI…my “course of things”/”D-compensation” pun is an ode (no!) to a four month stint of anxiety at the start of the fourth year of my social work degree*)

Back to the Point:

By the end of that long weak, my determination—buoyed by God’s grace!—made room for a crucial shift in understanding…

Having gotten to the root(ed in childhood)/drive to do the right thing while paying a steep price for it—I’m railing against a power-differential whereby authority figures have the final (misguided) word…

Since I’m no longer a dependent child, a toxic state of (not) being (me) isn’t something I need to take lying down (beneath roofs towering above egg-shell foundations).

(*And, I can’t overstate how grateful I am to have a supervisor willing and able to listen to my perspective/struggles/and claiming of the voice that—in the name of growth—I cannot silence*)

So, gentle listeners, inspired by a glorious sight that struck me as particularly powerful during this lightening(-up) storm, I’m refuse-ing to be outshone…

I’m choosing to be like a night sky g-littered with twinkling stars:

I will not become mired in (additional) over-thinking…

(I’m) Pressing Pause:

(*Having pieced this piece together over a number of sittings, I pressed pause last week after writing what follows; and the Rush pun showed up in today’s editing process*)

As much as temptation would like me to Rush my unfolding revelations, the rest needs to wait…

The sun is shining gloriously this Sunday noon; and I need to drink in sunshine and live in the moment…this is how I see authenticity and organic sharing in action…

this is me trusting the process…

This is me over (and above) thinking…

For, don’t you think weed all be better off if we saw dandelions as wishes? 🙂

P.S.  I think there’s only three puns needing context: “I’m Still Standing” is a (1983) hit by Elton John; Refuse-ing pun…Refuse (pronounced “ref-yuse”) is another word for garbage, paving the way for my g-litter pun; Rush is a Canadian band that I remember my brother loving as a teen…at the time, I didn’t share that sentiment…

However, the band/song popped into my head as I wrote what preceded that pun, and when I Googled the lyrics, my breath caught in my throat…

The lyrics speak to exactly what I’m striving for…using my artistic (joyful, painful, whimsical, comedic…) expression to show you—-and me—who I truly am.

For, I’m still committed to using my challenges to help you any way I can.  So, if you can relate, hang in.  Easier days are ahead…

Case in point…today’s Saturday and I’m going to meet my dearest friend for lunch.  And, my next post is in the works and is sunshiny and fun…see you soon, my friends. 🙂

As ever, thank you…

God bless you and your loves.

Affectionately,

Truly

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “(April 28/18) “Anxie-tee-hee (Just kidding, this is nothing to laugh at…)”

  1. Another stunner dear one. I am going to borrow those quotes!! Across the miles yet connected by such similar circumstances. My work week was on par with yours. I did not ugly cry but I DID get the tearful sniffles. Then I add more anxiety by me just being me. Rush is a favorite of mine. The first concert I ever went to was theirs … Moving Pictures … a 1981 classic.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me…connection is what it’s all about and it is a great feeling knowing that one isn’t alone in their challenges (and high points). And, it’s soooooo cool that we have Rush in common in an uncommon way…you and I definitely have a heart-to-heart connection…I’m so grateful for you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I found I was holding my breath as I read your words…the a-ha moments that painfully make themselves known to us invariably help us to grow…I found myself crying, too, not long ago as my Dad (recently home from one month in hospital) cancelled his am and pm homecare support…I could feel the wait of responsibility coming down upon me ten-fold until I stopped short and just let go…I laid down that burden and now, I’m able to still provide compassionate care without sacrificing who I am…I wish you many more sunshiny days, you deserve it as much as you deserved that long ago treasure you unknowingly gave away!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You and I are kindred spirits, my friend…and, I’m so happy to know/happy for you that you’ve been able to balance you compassion with self care…it’s all so much work but I know the pay off is worth everything we put into growing and doing the best we know how. Thank you for sharing with me,and I am praying for your dad and all who love him 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Truly… it is so good to read you again… Not sure why I didn’t see this sooner. I sure wish I could be there and help prune away the bad because I know there is such wonderful growth under all that you are feeling.

    I love the fact that the internet has given me the opportunity to meet you and become friends through our shared words… it just sucks when I know that you are having some tough moments and all I can do is read without being able to act… I do pray that all the stress and difficulties will soon be behind you.

    I might have said this before but someone once told me that if you don’t talk it out (write in your case) you risk acting it out… not sure what that meant exactly but I remember in my teens when I was depressed I would start cutting… um not the way you are probably thinking… but I would randomly cut my own hair (self pruning)… fortunately many of my friends thought it was some rebellious style… now for our post teenage stage in life… I think talking/writing is better… especially if you have a professional demeanor to keep. i anxiously await your next post…

    Thoughts are with you…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am literally praying I responded before now…I can’t see my response, but I could’ve sworn I saw your comment when I was taking a break at work, and that I wrote back. I apologize profusely if that was part of a dream. Anyway, thank you soooooo much for your compassion and for your friendship…it means a great deal to me and I was so touched by your kindness. I really do believe tmy hard-won growth means that I’ll enjoy a prolonged bout of (relatively) effortless optimism given that so much is inspiring me, uplifting me, and fueling my faith in myself/my worth, and of course, the amazing goodness of others. Thank you for being my friend…it is such a blessing and privilege. Your friend, Truly

      Liked by 2 people

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