(Spoiler Alert: I’m having another one of those days that’s bound to happen, but it’s all gonna be okay…)
Context: Here’s another glimpse into the small print buried in glossed-over/ lip service in aid of growth.
Initially focused on, “Shiny Happy People“, brochure-cover/tunes, days like today make me glad I didn’t know then what I know now–’cause, I’m not sure I’d have jumped on sword…
(*Okay, take a deep breath, Truly, you’re acting like a martyr…but, on the upside, you can make more of that later.*)
What I mean to convey is, whether a recovering people pleaser or not, detoxing ones psyche is no picnic!
When one embraces authenticity, the ghosts of repressed feelings take on a life of their own, and won’t be denied their (over-) due…
And, given the loss of naive faith in trusted-others, I’m feeling angry (one of the “5 Stages of Grief”).
But, rather than only showing up when I look good on paper, I’m sharing on the off chance that my process can help others feel less alone, more forgiving of themselves (and others)…and, hopeful.
Here goes…and thanks so much for staying!
So, Wonderfuls, you might’ve read my post about a (straw/back-breaking) betrayal that—in sorrow’s wake—left me irritable and impatient.
Well, today’s offering has shades of that theme, for,
not only have I discovered that the betrayal ran much deeper than I knew;
but, I’m finding myself significantly disappointed by the actions of a couple other people.
Sure, overwhelmingly, most people bring no such surprises—but, recent challenges stem from connections in my small/shrinking inner-circle.
Thankfully, shared wisdom had somewhat prepared me for hints that growth necessitates setting the bar higher, and not–subsequently–lowering it in service of maintaining relationships that would have me taken advantage of (whether the other is conscious of doing so or not).
I say, “hints”, because fully grasping this feature of maturation is akin to someone telling you about something, and it not quite translating…requiring them to add, “You had to be there.”
Anyway, here’s what I’ve done today to fight negativity and pessimistic thinking…
Awake extra early, I watched three episodes of “The Mindy Project” (Season 3), and the first of Season 4…it’s been months since I last tuned in, but, I found myself hooked all over again!
“Mindy” is admirably irrepressible, resilient, and sooooo funny…stylish, too; and although “Morgan” always makes me laugh the hardest, the entire ensemble cast is delightfully entertaining. 🙂
So, given a humorous boost, I decided to “get by with a little help from my trends”.
I allowed my desperate need for comfort food to twist my rubber arm, and mustered the courage to succumb to a—“I-wouldn’t-be-caught-dead!”—drive (through).
Death-Defying Feat #1
A) With fitful curls reduced to frizz, and precariously-tempered by the reading glasses unconvincingly masquerading as a headband…
B) Not even a minimal trace of make-up to put my unfurrowed brow and heroic smile in the best light, and…
C) No redeeming wardrobe choice to give some semblance of having pulled myself together…
I embarked on
Grave Risk #2:
A) A Tim Horton’s run in an old car with a highly suspect gas gage…
(*Given my recent track record for gut-guesses, I very well may’ve been running on empty*).
B) Taking Frosty and Jubilee along—their cuteness and impatient whining (in anticipation of a Tim Bit)—ensuring added attention.
(*Luckily, in contrast to any given weekday morning, my order was handed over in a flash…and, paying for the coffee order of the guy behind me (even though he tried to muscle past my car) made me feel better.*)
Home safely, and, warmed by orange pekoe tea and and the buttery goodness of a croissant sandwich, I celebrated by penning a non-sensical poem that made a mockery of my tethered anger.
FEELING like a crap/crab-apple,
rapt with bitter bubble-wrap-ple,
and trying not to snap, snap, Snap-ple…
I’m whiney grapes of wrath-full need.
OH, to explode in a tempered fit,
a blazing burst of, “I’ve had it!!!”
Self pity’s fallen for a bottomless pit
Whose, “Trust me”, walls are slick with lies.
BUT, crustaceans cannot be bested,
Relief’s beliefs are nerves well-tested,
In a harvest’s pinch, I’m self-invested,
In clawing paths clear of doubtful seeds.
Lastly, in a piecemeal/peace-meal ode to determined optimism (rather than self-indulgent moanings),
I imagined answers to a random selection of questions found in the–“Welcome Back Martyr” part of my psyche…
Specifically, the Anne/Flander’s—”Whine Not?“—Suggestion Box:
(*Please take this to be tongue-in-cheek sarcasm/here’s where you find me humor…no offence intended*)
Because your sweet tooth’s incessant chorus of,
“Don’t chew–forget about me“,
has others wanting to snap to detention and yelling, “Quit flapping your (whine) gums!”.
“So, yeh, like, self reflecting without a mirror is totes emotionally, uh, exhausting…but I’m all about, like–you, know–being brave…even though I need a Nap(uh)”
Valley girl whine is enough to gag anyone–with….or without…a spoon.
“How do whine get through one night without you…how do I ever, ever survive? Oh, how do whine, oh how do whine, oh how do I live?”,
is a martyr’s anthem if ever I heard one.
We’ve all gotta’ put our hearts on the line…and this declaration of taking risks for love comes across as obnoxiously-needy…just sayin’.
“I’m seeing”Red! (Red–Whine“)” is an escapist tantrum that won’t be tolerated by even the most committed martyr…and, I’m no martyr.
Thank you for your loyalty, Dazzlers! This was an expression of my write to my feelings–a dare to share that I hope made you smile even a little as you read it…and, if it helps in any way, that’s the best thing of all.
Please feel free to comment and/or commisserate…I love hearing from you 🙂
God bless you and your loves 🙂
P.S. Snap-Shot Proof is my anger pun (snap–as in bark at, or lose one’s cool; shot–as in “my nerves are..” or potshot; and proof –as in a photo context and, evidence of). “Shiny Happy People” is a (1991) hit by the band, The B-52s; The 5 Stages Of Grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (not necessarily in that–linear–order) (Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler); Having slept on it after writing most of this post, I wrote the Context today–Labour Day; Anne/Flanders is a nod to retro advice columnist, Anne Landers–and “The Simpsons” do-right neighbor, Ned Flanders; “Welcome Back, Kotter” is a (1975-1979) sitcom starring Gabe Kaplan (and, John Travolta); “Don’t Chew Forget About Me” is my “Don’t You Forget About Me” pun…the (1985) Simple Minds song from “The Breakfast Club” soundtrack (a classic movie about an eclectic group of teens who, while serving detention, discover that none are immune to life’s trials); wine gums are chewy candies; Napa Valley is in California, and renowned for it’s vineyards; “How Do I Live (Without You)” is a hit released in 1997 by both LeAnn Rimes and Trisha Yearwood (I loved it back in the day, and don’t really believe it smacks of martyrdom 🙂 ); “Seeing red” is an expression meaning, really angry…and “Red, Red Wine” is band, UB40’s (1983) hit.
P.PS. In another–no such thing as coincidence, occurrence–when (after writing my post) I Googled to see which year “The Simpsons” came out (1989), Wikipedia stated that Ned Flanders resorts to nonsensical speech when his repressed anger threatens to bubble up…go figure! Although that’s usually not the case with me (mine is most often a joyful celebration of imagination and optimism), today, the parallel fits. 🙂