Well, hello, Wonderfuls…since I promised to be true in blue skies and grey, today’s whatever-the-whether report is colored by the latter…as such, I don’t have a (first day of) spring in my step. To start with, this weak has been seven days of absolute rough-ish. Not wholly intolerable, but no walk in the park, either!
In fact, I barely got out of my house (or bed): missing half the work-days due to a cold streak (leaking eyes, runny nose…on and on the glamour goes)…
And speaking of half, when I did make an appearance, I can’t say I was all there…it was as though my thoughts were swimming in a bowl of split pea-brain soup. Buoy, oh buoy! Thick, heavy and murky, thinky things weighed me down as I turtle-slogged through paperwork.
Today, I’m still half out of my mind, but I’m relieved that—when strolling through my Facebook account (largely, a collection of uplifting sayings and good news updates from friends)—I rediscovered a fantastic quote…
Here it is (stated Captain Obvious)…oh, and I Googled, but can’t find the author.
“I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m freakin’ exhausted from being so awesome yesterday.”
Admittedly, feeling light as air when a friend sent it to me, it had me laughing with delight; but, given current circumstances, I’ve taken the liberty of giving it a tweak here…and a grammatical shift there… in order to provide the perfect context for my present state of being…
I’m trying to be awesome today but I’m freakin’ (out)—(emotionally) exhausted from being awesome yesterday.
(And, since yesterday is today’s déjà vu, any sense of awesomeness feels like an all-but-forgotten yesteryear…but, a major source of angst nonetheless…go figure!)
And, writing’s to blame.
I adore it. I’m hopelessly driven to do it. There’s no stopping me; so–optimistic at heart–I’m looking for an up-write way to turn it all around and prove–through love letters–that we are meant to be.
You see, I don’t write for the fun of it….well, actually, yes I do…that’s the part I love without question! And, other than being inconvenienced by literary inspirations in the wee hours of the morning, I wouldn’t trade it for anything….except for peace of mind, that is.
And, therein lies the rub. ..
A couple years ago, when I took to writing with purpose (I’ll elaborate another time), I suspected that writing was going to be my golden-ticket to happiness…it greatly increased my enthusiasm for optimism, enlightenment, playfulness, mental stimulation, and the burgeoning belief that I’d found a goof-proof means for connecting with/inspiring, and being inspired by others on a deep and rewarding level.
And, that was largely supposition until I began blogging.
That’s where you come in, awe-inspire-ers.
Sharing my written thoughts with you has confirmed (and, friends, I say this with humility) that I was correct…I’m meant to write. You are living/giving proof that there are people who—appreciative of my motives, and quirky writing style—get the appeal of my, baring-one’s-soul, approach to sharing, growing, and encouraging each other.
And, for six glorious weeks, I’ve been mostly blissful…grateful, relieved, and transfixed by this new world where so many generous people choose to share their unique talents and passions!
Yes, Fantastics, I was, riding the joy wave, going with the flow…uncensored/unplugged…just minding my own random muse-ical thoughts…
“A, B, C–easy as 1, 2…”
“3 blind mice, 3 blind mice, see how…”
“There’s Something About…”
“Mary had a little…”
And, just like that, sometime in the past week—like a random victim of cow tipping—I was blindsided by the udder nonsense of a “careless whisper” that’s resulted in a host of doubts pouncing with the ferocity of wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Somewhere along the (blurred) line, my hard work and (let-my-guard-down) confidence boomeranged, and hit me with the fear that (someday) I’ll be a really successful writer.
I know it sounds crazy…or maybe not…perhaps you can relate to fear of success…and if not, I’ve only succeeded in letting my crazy leak—no—gush out in a torrent of torment…
Wait, that last bit was much too dramatic…I’m not tormented, but definitely well out of my comfort zone.
Okay, time to break it down:
A recovering-people-pleaser, I worry that critics will hone in on me…That’s tied to fear of hyper-scrutiny and scathing judgement.
What if, resentful, some family and/or friends decide that I’m no longer “one of us” (i.e.. “You’ve changed.”; “You can’t relate to us anymore.”; “We can’t relate to you anymore.”; “You don’t have/make time for us anymore.”…)?…That’s tied to rejection.
And what if, having realized success, I realize they’re right?…That’s fear of morphing from a Munster to a monster? (See March 13th blog for this particular frame of reference.)
No…I need to stop thinking this way…
Miss Craisy has definitely taken the wheel; and the best I can do is stay calm and self-talk her into taking her rightful place in the back seat where she belongs.
Having taken the time to take a few really deep breaths, it’s just occurred to me that the above questions might be smoke and mirrors–a feature of self-sabotage whereby imagined pitfalls are simply subconscious distractions…misdirection born of a greater comfort with clawing my way out of a pit rather than making my way up the ladder of success (now, that, precious pals, is the social worker in me talking).
What if I’m getting in my own way in order to avoid moving to the next stage (fright)…?
There I go with the questions again!
Okay, I just better quit while I’m behind. 🙂
I must remind you that I promised to write weekly; and this isn’t a (tie-it-all-up-in-a-bow) television show–I can’t always process-and-shine in the 6 daze between episodes.
However, since I’m the director of my own story, I get to choose the lens through which my life will is viewed…I can either wade in a restrictive pallet; or dive into the deep end of the dream pool and make a Technicolor splash on the world.
Yep, its decided…no dreary, melodramatic black and white tragedy for me…I choose to (positively re-) frame this experience as a sitcom…
A nod to a “Laverne and Surely” (high hopes will ensure that everything’s going to be okay) re-run.
I hope you found it amusing.
Believe it or not…now that it’s all said and done…I can see the humor in a good deal of this.
You’ve done it again.
Thank you…and God bless you 🙂
“A, B,C” is a Jackson 5 song.
“Three Blind Mice” is a nursery rhyme/song.
“There’s Something About Mary” is a movie/song.
“Mary Had A Little Lamb” is a nursery rhyme/song.
Wham! is a band…lead singer, George Michael recorded solo hit, “Careless Whisper”.
“Laverne and Shirley” were quintessential optimists/room-mates who, when things got particularly daunting, rebounded by singing “High Hopes” 🙂