(Aug. 6/18) “I Spy With My Little I, Something That Is READ.”

Context: By seeking to be more than enough, I put a world of distance between me and my best self…

So–much like that reformed phony baloney, The Wizard of Oz,  who naturally saw the best in the scarecrow, tin man, and cowardly lion…

but, bungled the rescue of the one who rescued them–

I easily saw the wonderful in others, but unintentionally failed my inner child by leaving her behind.

And, over the past few weeks, my misguided rationale/intentions became clear…

A rescuer at heart,

I’ve employed two strategies…

  1.  (For their sake…thus, mine as well) Putting “protective distance” between others and myself in order to shield them from the magnetic-toxicity I couldn’t seem to escape…

or,

2. Keeping others close in order to be their buffer in a world that,

in my earliest years, I was taught to mistrust.

These (at any cost) strategies became the hardest things I’ve ever done–and do.

So, now that I’ve wrapped my head around this turbanlent…I mean, turbulent epiphany...

Hear’s where I find me today…

Hello, Wonderfuls! 🙂

Long time no we, but I’ve thought of you often…I just had some pressing confusions to iron out.

As you may know, for the past two years, I’ve been baring and sharing while employing a “spoonful of sugar helps the (messages) go down” approach…

(This to combat the toxic substitute—a spoonfulll of shoulda’…—that had me hyper-dancing to the wrong beat (my head against a trick wall)).

And, reflecting on how far I’ve come of late, I’ve made a point of speaking to/connecting with my inner child…

I’ve asked forgiveness for den-I-ing her…for rejecting her all the times shame and fear urged me to pretend to be someones we were never meant to be…

I asked her forgiveness for not seeing her in all her resilience and preciousness…

She’s made it through so much, and I wish I would have stuck it out with her.

Now, you might find this next admission (crossing-the-line-) weird, confidantes-builders…

but,

repeatedly this past week,

I led her on tours of my house…

And (with the “Sound(s) of (80’s) Music” playing in the background) introduced her to “a few of my favourite things”.

I started with her cherished reads, including: “The Tree That Sat Down”; “The Stream That Stood Still”, “Pippi Longstocking”, “Anne of Green Gables”, Huckleberry Finn”; and “Alice in Wonderland”…

As I did, I reminded her that, from here on out–what’s mine is ours; she goes where I go, and ’ll never leave her behind again.

Unconditional love personified, that little face—all larger-than-life eyes, and toothy grins—beamed and repeated she knew I’d come back for her someday.

Then, (and right this second, I’m on the verge of collapsing like a soppy pile of tissues), she’d take my hand like it was the most naturally-familiar thing in the world, and skipped ahead without letting go…inspiring me to let go and skip, too! 🙂

Watching her light up at the sight of our enchantingly-cushy bed assured me that my long ago and far away purchase was such a BRAINY investment…

“That’s all for us…and Frost and Jubes?!?”, she double checked—her queen-size eyes all a-glitter…

My HEART pitter-pattered like rain on a tin roof as she marveled,

“And three whole bedrooms…and…

(*having dragged me back to the main floor–arms flung wide–twirling and whirling as little girls do*)

all this?!?”

This whole house just for us—and for Frosty and Jubilee…and the puppy that’s coming in the Fall?!?”

(*Proof that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, she gave me little giggle room to answer—“Yep, and, if we ever turned our (Stuart) Little dream house into a bed and breakfast, we could name it “Who Let The Dogs Inn”—before she continued effusively… 🙂 *)

“Oooh, look at this lovely, lovely living room…space to be all of ourselves whenever we want…which needs to be all the time, don’t cha’ think?”

Finding the desperate COURAGE to look deeply into her eyes, I saw no trace of accusation…just compassionate innocence wrapped in the youngest old soul I can imagine.

“I love it all, she breathed—and I wouldn’t change a thing…not the flowers, nor the trees, nor the side, front and back yard…nor the old driveway that cracks me up with it’s trails of grassy whiskers…”

“But”, (*seeing the look on her brow, I braced myself for the blow that I’d been dreading*), there is one thing I need to ask…”

(*a gulp so painful it almost reduced me to knees*)

“What’s this?”

As understanding dawned, we laughed and laughed until, weak, we clung to each other and fell against the stove! 🙂

And, on each occasion she clapped her tiny hands (*”Boy, she’s so much smaller than her years would imply…and sooooooo fun and cute!!!*), I felt a measure of pain loosening….

My confidence grew “Inch (Worm”) by inch as I was able to see the forest for “The “Tree((s) That Sat Down)”.

For,

given decades of life(long) lessons,

I’m enjoying bigger-picture views…

I gaze upon my inner child and find it striking how much we still have in common…

And, as much as she looks up to me with awe and admiration (bless her sweet, sweet heart), I’ll be sure to look back with gratitude, and express how thankful I am to have grown up to be just like her 🙂

Thank you for being here, Terrifics…please give your inner child a warm squish from me 🙂

God bless you and your loves. 🙂

Affectionately,

Truly

P.S. Thank you for missing me and checking up to see if I was okay (given that I haven’t shown up in a couple months).

For the first month, I didn’t feel inspired to write…I was trying to sort out what I’ve shared above…

Then, having written most of this post, my sweet dog (12 year old, Frosty) got sick and I spent a couple of really intense weeks caring for him.  It looked like he would recover, but he took an undeniable turn for the worst last Sunday, and on his 3rd visit to the vet (last Monday), blood work revealed he had kidney failure.  The most merciful thing I could do was have him euthanized.  I find solace in knowing that he didn’t suffer greatly…he’d slept most of the time he was ill.

A week later (yesterday), the breeder notified me that Frosty (and Jubilee’s) “brother” has been born.  It turns out I won’t be getting a girl (a (granted) request I made before Frosty got sick) because there were only two females in the litter of six Cockapoos (Cocker Spaniel/Poodle mix).

I am sooooo grateful for fate’s compassion…

Nothing can ever replace my sweet boy, but I see his baby brother’s birth as a universe-al sign that I am being watched over…that everything will be more and more okay in time.

My puppy is coming home on Sept. 29/18, and, instead of Trixie (the girl’s name I’d planned on, I’ve named him Wheeler…after Trixie Belden’s best friend, Honey Wheeler.  (“Trixie Belden Mysteries” were among my fav childhood reads).  His middle name will be Toto 🙂

 

21 thoughts on “(Aug. 6/18) “I Spy With My Little I, Something That Is READ.””

  1. Your poignant words brought tears to my eyes and happiness, too…I’m happy to see you back on my feed and despite your deep sorrow for the loss of Frosty, there is new life to anticipate when Wheeler “wheels” into your world!
    The joy in reclaiming your best self is a lovely gift, my own inner child is still patiently waiting for me but after reading your words, I know she’s close by…when she would receive a new Trixie Belden book from loving grandparents, it was heaven to disappear into her child’s bedroom and open those crisp new pages, Nancy Drew books were the cat’s meow as well, thank you for the beautiful reminder, Truly and I hope you enjoy the rest of your summer embracing your inner child (that reminds me, I must blow some bubbles off of our balcony and bring a blanket out to the park to do some reading!). Take good care, my friend!

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    1. Thank you sooooo much, my friend….your comment made me cry…I am quite emotional lately….my heart is wounded by loss, and I’ve also been struggling with sharing…given that I am feeling my way around dim passages that I’m unfamiliar with. Your appreciation is great validation that taking the time I need is worth it….part of the process. Having finished this post, I feel so relieved that I continue to love writing once I get to it. I will stop by “your place” after work today. I adore you, my friend….thank you for your loyalty 🙂

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  2. This was a very touching post and honestly the imagery is fantastic. Thank you for sharing such personal feelings in such an interesting… dare I say entertaining way. I want to share my thoughts but I worry they will come across as insensitive and flippant. Please read this with and understanding of my odd personality and remember that it all comes from a place of “good intent”… I really want to be direct and honest. (in my own weird way)

    The whole time I read this I thought… wow this would make an incredible ONE man/woman play… that is of course staring TWO people. Scene one… reunion and house tour… its perfect… at least for me… Does it sound stupid? I honestly think this would be a huge hit… Boy would I love to see this acted out!…

    The second thought I had was that your inner child is so much more awesome than mine… in Fact I think mine would have ignored me… you know because he was busy playing video games.

    next thought… Back to the play… you know how you get a thought and cant get it out of your head… I thought if you wanted add more people… well you could have two inner children fall for each other and the rest of the play they try to get there “outer adults” to meet and fall in love. I know weird weird weird.

    Back to you… it is so nice to read you again… and my heart goes out to you and your loss but I am so happy that you have a new puppy coming. Please take care!

    Last thought….
    I would give my inner child a warm “squish” but I think he just ran away…. (is it odd that I see him this way?… maybe he is the negative side I keep in check… who knows)

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    1. I’m reading this Tuesday morning before work…and, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your feedback…you are so generous to take the time to share your multi-layered observations….and, I love everything you offered!!!! I am so flattered…and relieved that you found value in my sharing. Inner child can be a such a cliche; but it really is a context that I relate to of late. And, I love the idea of a play…and I laughed when I read of the inner children trying to connect the “outer adults”…brilliant!!!! Your patented “weirdness” is such a gift and I am really thankful that you share your insights and ideas….you really encourage me to indulge my “weirdness”. After work, I will be by to catch up on what you’ve been up to….I am really thrilled at the thought. Take care, my friend…thank you, as ever, for your kindness 🙂

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  3. (This to combat the toxic substitute—a spoonfulll of shoulda’…—that had me hyper-dancing to the wrong beat (my head against a trick wall)). …

    But, but… It’s so painfully irresistible to go down the shoulda,(woulda?) path, yet by the time my head hits the trick wall, the heart has little space left to let the inner child in… Much less out…
    Maybe that’s why you took a different approach?

    -Now, you might find this next admission (crossing-the-line-) weird-heh that’s where stories turn into great reads

    -introduced her to “a few of my favourite things”…-

    Lightning bugs, playing just to play, cloud pictures and sunset walks…

    -Unconditional love personified, that little face—all larger-than-life eyes, and toothy grins-

    -inspiring me to let go and skip, too!-

    -Finding the desperate COURAGE to look deeply into her eyes, I saw not a trace of accusation…just compassionate innocence-

    My crossing-the-line weird moment..
    As I read your post, I see my girls in your writing. I feel like “collapsing like a soppy pile of tissues”…
    They have grown too quickly yet they still yearn for the simplicity of childhood… I have been challenged to find my inner child quickly so that I can let it out and enjoy the simplicities of life with them before it’s too late.

    Thank you for taking the time to process and share. I enjoyed it immensely. I am finding out processing/reflecting is a neglected necessity.

    I am soooo sorry to hear about Frosty! I wish I could do more for you but I will keep you in my prayers.

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    1. I am so honored that you shared your introspections with me!!! Thank you for your thought-filled offering–I love learning more about you–and choked up at the poignancy found in your admission s. How old are your sweeties now? Lastly, thank you for your condolences and prayers…it’s given me needed comfort 🙂 I will “visit” you after work, my friend 🙂

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  4. I have missed you my dear. I am so sorry for the loss our your beloved Frosty. Yet in sadness, it is heartwarming that Wheeler Toto will be a welcomed addition. Funny how things like that happen sometimes and funny how being in the right place at the right time lead me to your post today. Which I needed to see for it showcases our similarities. I feel less alone. Thank you for that. Lately it has been like Siberia around here. I am collapsing like a pile of soggy tissues myself. But today’s cry is happy tears. How wonderful to reclaim your inner child! I am not quite there myself but as a work in progress, your story gives me hope that I too will get there. Wishing you the best today and always ❤

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    1. I have no idea how I failed to reply to this!!!! I love, miss, and thank you….you are a light and a treasure and a kindred spirit…I randomly read a few of my posts before work this morning (as in, right now) and discovered my misstep. Please believe that, then–as now–your message touched me deeply ❤

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      1. I hope you are well. I’ve been in a little cocoon for so long, I just recently realized how much things have changed. Some good some not so good but all necessary. Living is not for the faint of heart 💜

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      2. I hear you, soul sister!!! Living can feel like an uphill battle at times….I am so busy keeping my mind right that luxuries like writing and connecting take a back seat…these, the very things that give us relief and a sense of connection. Thank you for connecting….I really do miss you and your wonderful wit and sensitivity and authenticity….I’m sending you love, light, and best wishes….I honestly believe our best years are yet to come. 🙂

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  6. Though months you had to endure, but as always, even those though times are lessons learned. Sorry for the loss of one of your dear friends, dear Truly. Even the choice was wise, it is still sad. And yes, I too believe there’s a reason you will gain a new male friend soon. Don’t be a ‘stranger’ again, dear woman! I began to worry 😉
    Big hugs! XxX

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  7. It seems to me your inner child has been at play on your blog all along, whether you realize it or not. There is a joyful, childlike quality to your posts. It is no small accomplishment to have combined that quality w/ the wisdom gained from life experience.

    I am truly sorry for the loss of your beloved Frosty. I’ve been there, too. These loving and uncritical companions become cherished members of our family. I know that Wheeler will be a great consolation.

    Love,

    A. ❤

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    1. Thank you, Anna: I love your assessment.
      Yes, my friend….the childlike spirit surprised me from the very start–and, at the same time, was the most natural method of communication/writing. And, thank you for your compassion regarding Frosty….he is such treasure and I will be sure to tell Wheeler all about him 🙂 I’m on my way to “visit” you right now. Love, Truly 🙂

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  8. So pleased you and your inner child are back my friend I have missed you but knew that I would read your wonderful thoughts again. What a darling she sounds and may you have many adventures. Sorry for your loss of your dear Frosty. I find that when you need the love of a new furbaby they will always appear just at the right time if you are open to it.
    Sending love x

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  10. I thought about introducing myself to my inner child once, but… I was afraid he’d find me too immature… 🍼

    Great to hear about your own tearful reunion, my dear Truly, tho I find it hard to believe you strayed too far– no one could write the posts you do without a firm IC-grip on ye olde digital crayon… 😊

    Very sorry to hear about Mr. Frosty. He’s up in doggie heaven now, reminiscing about all your puns to his furry friends, and eliciting a chorus of appreciative howls! 🐕🐩🔊

    Doggone it, keep smilin’ and take care of yourself!!

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  11. My goodness it has been too long since I have logged on and read your posts. By the way, Trixie Belden and Nancy Drew were among my favorites when I was a little girl.

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