Hi, Wonderfuls…

Here’s a risk right off the bat(tered and bruised ego).

(*Potential-Trigger Alert*)

I’m so ticked off that addressing you as Wonderfuls took effort…

Please, hear me out…and, if you can relate to my head-space, I don’t mean to add to the weight of your anger…

and, I don’t mean to shock, offend, or hurt anyone’s feelings…

Obviously, I’m not mad at you…I am just angry and sick of peopling!!!

Sick of being patient…

Sick of being diplomatic…

Sick of taking the high road…

Sick of working through sh*t…

sick of doing the right thing.

Yep, in a hypocritical fit of temper, I am doing the very thing I’m railing against…

I’m shooting from the lip…I mean, hip.  Oooooo!!! I’m so incensed it’s taking all I have not to PUNch-uate this entire post with blow-softening wordplay.

“Hey, Trules…”

(*shooting my self a withering stare*) “What?!”

“Uhm…nothing”.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I’m feeling as inconsiderate as a hacking night-time cough.

And, I know it’s not fair…which is making me angrier!

“Wow, Trules, you’ve–I mean we’ve–got it bad!  How long has this been brewing?”

(*Sigh*) “I know you’re just trying to help…thanks…but, I don’t know…and, I think it’s beside the point…so, I’ll just get on with it…”

Even as I know I’ll never share the highly-offensive things certain people have said to me over the years, for a few seconds, part of me kinda wished I could–

just so you’d understand where I’m coming from…

and, because it’d be soothing to have an empathetic response.

But, sharing this much–authentically–has helped me shift to an intuitive knowing that the greater healing/power lies in giving myself the compassion I need.

For, self-compassion is the key to forgiveness…and forgiveness is the key to moving through my anger…the key to letting it morph into the sadness that has long waited for me to sit beside it and hold its hand.

Okay, things are starting to come into “Phew”…

Thank you for your faith in me…for sticking it out with me…

Rather than being a gelatinous blob of generalized, “Uuugh! How ugly”, my pain is taking shape–and, seen from a new angle, the shame of it all is waning.

Shame at not knowing how to respond to the shocking and repellent things I’ve heard…

Without getting into the details, I’ll share that the statements and disclosures were even more inappropriate in the same way racist “jokes” would be exponentially-offensive if told to a person of color.

I ask you, who does that?!

Oh…

Wait…

I just realized what I said a moment ago…

Shame at NOT KNOWING…

Not knowing how to respond…that needs to be my focus…that’s where forgiveness is found.

At the time(s), I didn’t know what to do–so I’ve carried that shame and anger and incredulity in the back of my mind and heart all this time.

Oh, here’s another layer that just came to light!!!

Because I pushed intensely uncomfortable emotions down and away, recent circumstances were in prime position to quietly dredge them up…

and hit me where it hurts!

By virtue of my job, I’ve been in the position to support certain clients as they disclosed blind-sides they’ve been at a loss to navigate…and, I’ve been so frustrated/offended–angered by the oppression that put them in this position.

But, I’m relieved/proud of myself that I advocated for my clients–that I spoke up for them.

And, I’ve (perhaps, unfairly) been disappointed that certain people I expected to say something different, didn’t…

After all, I don’t know what others are going through…

And, given that I’m in the process of forgiving myself for not standing up for myself on a personal level, it makes sense that I’ve been angry with certain others for (as I see it) not standing up for others on a professional level.

And, I realize I might come off as “holier-than-thou” right now, but, there’s no getting around that if I am to work through what I’m going through.

For, sharing this–rather than writing and keeping it to myself–is meant to offer something of value to those of you who let me know you can relate on some level…that it helps…that you feel a little less lost, messed up…a little more hopeful and relieved…more self-compassionate.

So, I’ll leave it here before I over-think and sanitize what I’ve shared.

Bottom line is, as Maya Angelou said, “When we know better, we do better”–and, all I can do is work on myself…at bettering myself.  And, in doing that, I accept that there have been countless times in my personal and professional life when I didn’t have the tools to do/say what I wish I could have at the time.

And, I’m not going to dwell on the structural oppressions that would divide my focus between advocating and managing the anger/offence it dredges up/engenders.

I’m going to focus on what I can control–and, for the most part–that involves taking care of me/of my own wounds so that unidentified triggers do not overwhelm me, distract me, and have me spending my weekends “getting my head right”

(*Which, is a big part of why I was so angry today.  I resented having to spend precious effort/hours growing when all I wanted to do was binge-watch Netflix, and eat comfort food*).

“Whew, we did it, Trules”, I’m so proud of you…of us…and, aren’t we soooooo blessed to have Wonderfuls who care enough to listen?!”  This is what we’ve been needing all our life…the courage to be ourself, to love ourself…and, to be loved for who we are…not who we were told–or thought-we should be 🙂 ❤ “

Until next time, friends.

God bless you and your loves 🙂

Affectionately,

Truly 🙂