Having returned to blogging after months of fits and starts, I’m grateful (and so surprised!) to find that there’s life after “ghosting”. In fact, our absence can serve to strengthen connections.
And, to be clear, my intention was never to slowly fade away until, vaporous, I evaporated with nary a warning–nor even an apologetic puff.
But, experiencing loss and growing pains, I was lulled by the distracting properties of procrastination. For, familiar with its stall tactics, I figured I’d rally at the 11th hour and get myself together just in time to meet all “obligations”.
However, as fleet-footed weeks raced by, I realized I’d lost my zeal for writing/sharing. I had my hands full with the clawing, stressful things that demanded the best of my heart and mind; and, after a while, I came to resent the pressure of having to justify my inaction.
“Well, if your going to demand what, previously, I voluntarily shared from the goodness of my heart…if your going to act like I owe you literary blood-sweat-and-tears, you’ve got another thing coming!!! Do you know what kind of weight I’m carrying on any given day? No, of course not! ‘Cause you’re only interested in funny, charming me…Don’t give me that wide-eyed, open-mouthed look of surprise…and, you can save any placating platitudes, Toots! The truth is, you can’t handle the truth!!!”
And–given my admission that I fell out of site (pun intended)–you might be wondering who was pointing accusatory fingers during my hiatus…
Answer: Why, no one but me of course!
I’m the over-reacting neurotic railing with the defensive venom of Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men”…I’m the one who still puts myself on trial.
Sure, I’ve come a long way from the person who–decades past–used alcohol to bolster my facade of confidence…from the person who missed 3 weeks of college (“ghosting” before the term was a thing) rather than letting anyone see how vulnerable and lost I was…
But, I’ve come to find that faking-it-until-I-make-it doesn’t apply to writing. That degree of herculean effort is beyond me; for the saving-grace of writing lies in authenticity.
So, if I can’t keep it real–without revealing the behind-the-scenes sh*t-show–I simply close the circus down, slip out of town under the cover of darkness, and re-emerge with a new-and-improved offering once I’ve ironed out the kinks.
But, you know what? I love writing too much not to find pathways to creative expression…a blessing and a curse. The curse being writer’s block founded on the fear that the magic has left me…that scaling my (dazzling circus) “act” back will result in “bad reviews”.
“Well, let’s not get too carried away, there, Missy…’Dazzling?!’ “
Ignore that critic behind the curtains, folks–this is my ruby-slippers confession, and I’m employing a click-my-heels-together salvo to bring my point home.
When weakened, I still struggle with “playing small”–particularly after I’ve given it all I’ve got…and, especially when I’ve felt good about it!.
And, for nearly three years, I did…gave writing all I had, I mean. And, I became reliant on unexpected treasures discovered in rabbit warrens; sooooo grateful for re-framed memories filtered through rabbit-hole sieves.
Mercifully, having stumbled upon a Mad Hatter approach to writing/working through much that had fallen through cracks in my psyche, I’ve succeeded in mitigating a good deal of what’s been holding me hostage to the ghosts of toxic mistaken beliefs.
And there’s the rub. Now that I see things laid before me in black and white, I’m strongly considering that my writer’s block was–in fact–a detour steering me from a writing style that’s run its course for now.
For, seeing myself through the eyes of those generous souls who lavished me with kindness and compassion following my prior post, (https://trulyunplugged.com/2019/02/17/feb-17-19-no-clever-title-just-a-humble-thank-you-for-sticking-by-me/ )
I see the value in simpler, low-maintenance, offerings. After all, my calling doesn’t compel me to show off. My intention is to share from the heart…and, having had a change of one, here is me…”Straight From The Heart”, as Bryan Adams so beautifully put it.
And, for those who shared with me that, they too, have been MIA–and feeling guilty and awkward about it–please know that your return/comments have inspired me to be braver. That makes you my heroes 🙂 And, if it’s your destiny to find your way back, if only in fits and starts–and, if the true is same of me–I’ll welcome our (direct) connection with open arms.
God bless you and your loves 🙂